$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
