My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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