I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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