I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
