Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
