have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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