How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
