How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
