Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
