My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
