I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
