Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you have to choose: penises or morals?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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