i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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