STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
