he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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