Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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