Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
