Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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