I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
