Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
