I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
