Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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