I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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