That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
