Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
