Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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