Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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