His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
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