I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
