The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
