it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
