apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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