my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
