she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
