last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Drunk is a universal language darling
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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