That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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