i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
