This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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