two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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