Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
it glows. i had to have it.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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