What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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