Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
