I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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