I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
