The police scanner is talking about you again....
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
