OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
