just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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