Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
