Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
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Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
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He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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