you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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