dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
