Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
