Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
