I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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