What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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